I mentioned before that I’ve been gaining weight since I started this training. I haven’t felt this bloated and uncomfortable in a long time. So far, I estimate that I’ve gained about 10 pounds. That’s a lot for me. And a lot in 1 year.

When I’m running, I feel very fit but otherwise, I feel very weak and uncomfortable. I keep telling myself that I’ll figure it out after my marathon. I don’t want to do anything that takes away from what I’ve worked hard for. And, I remind myself that even though I may not feel the healthiest, I must be doing something right because so far, I’ve avoided any big injuries (I’m knocking on wood as I write this).

I assume the weight gain is due to all the extra carbs I’m eating. I am not really following a run eating plan per say, I’m just eating whatever I want because “I’ve earned it”. It’s not at all healthy though. I know it.

I have always had an unhealthy relationship with my weight. I recognize this and try do better with my self talk. My mother and her side of the family are tiny tiny people by nature. I take after my dad’s side of the family who always had a little extra. When I was in high school, my body type started to show. And my mom, only wanting to help, started suggesting that I watch what I eat. Her intentions were good but my obsessive mind was not. This was the start of my negative self talk. I never felt “good enough” if I wasn’t small enough. This mind set caused me some unnecessary grief when dealing with friendships, dating and even health problems.

Eventually, after years of lessons learning, I am able to recognize when I’m sabotaging myself with my self talk but I’m still not able to control how it makes me feel. Here, I am conquering marathon training but I’m still unable to look at a picture of my self and be proud. I feel it when I finish something big, but I don’t feel it when I look at that moment in a picture.

Ok, enough introspection for today. Maybe I’ll revisit in 5 weeks after my marathon.

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